It’s been a while. A long while. And it might be a while again before I post after this. I don’t know. But… I want to get back into building models. I really enjoy building models, and I enjoy sharing my experience with fellow enthusiasts. Unfortunately, I’ve been distracted for a while by what I can only describe as depression.

I always thought that being depressed meant being sad. This last year has taught me otherwise. Depression can be a result of overcommitting yourself. Or just being overwhelmed. Or even nothing identifiable. I’m also thinking it’s not something that you can just “snap” yourself out of. I kept thinking I was recovering, getting better, etc… just because whatever I thought was causing it was “dealt with.” Unfortunately, it just didn’t work out like that.

I’ve written a number of versions of this post, talking about the various things I’ve learned that “solved” my problem, and that I was going to be back to normal “soon.” But… I never ended up feeling ready enough to post them, and then some other thing would happen that I would convince myself was the reason that I was “in a funk.” But maybe it’s not that simple. Maybe I can’t point my finger at something, blame it, and excise it from my life to make everything better.

There are two things I have learned, though, that I am not going to give up on:

  • Self-care is important
  • You’re not doing your best if it’s not sustainable

I could try, like I have before, to write in detail about these ideas. As if I knew anything. In reality, I’m still trying to learn how to apply them. I’ve withdrawn from a lot of my life, trying to pull back into myself and heal up – my usual method of recharging when I’ve overextended, usually in shorter durations – but it hasn’t really worked.

I have a wonderful family who care about me, and have expressed concern and desire to help me out. Unfortunately, neither they or I know how to go about it. This is definitely a case where I feel like my Autism is getting in the way. I don’t understand what is going on in my mind a lot of the time, especially when it comes to emotional processing.

I think, perhaps, that I have withdrawn too far, or too long, and I need to step back into a more active role in my life, even if I’m nervous about it. Many of us with Autism don’t like change, and I am definitely in that camp. And I think I’ve just gotten to used to being withdrawn. I just need to bite the bullet and get back out there.

So here I am, making an attempt. No promises, no guarantees. I’ve got some posts that I started long ago, about builds that are long out of memory. I’m going to try to finish them up, but they will probably be light on detail. And that’s okay, as long as I’m getting back into things. In fact, my posts might be a little less detailed for a bit – I don’t want to put too much pressure on myself – but that’s okay.

I don’t have to be perfect. I don’t have to live up to any expectations. I just need to get back out there.